JUST THE WAY THAT I AM.
There. I said it. Amazing how hard a simple statement like that can be for some of us women, huh? I’ve struggled with having a good body image for so long. If I was feeling even braver, I might go into some of those details, but not today. Suffice to say that when I look into a mirror, I don’t focus on the positive. I see EVERY flaw. The flaws are not so little either. In my mind, the flaws are all that anyone can see. They become huge glaring deformities that strangers gawk at. Laughing? I’m not. I *know* it sounds a little ridiculous, but there was a point in time that this problem affected my life in a big way, but I’ve come a long way from that low place.
I remember that during an active part of my healing process I read an article in some magazine that talked about women and how we judge ourselves too superficially. I’ve looked for this article and can’t find it anywhere so you are going to just have to take my interpretation of the “walk away message” or WAM as my high school English teacher would say. The article talked about how typically men tend to judge their bodies on a fairly utilitarian scale. They want to know what their body can DO for them…how fast or far can they run or how much weight can they lift. They see their bodies in a positive light largely because of what it can accomplish. Women, on the other hand, judge themselves based on how their butt looks in jeans.
When I read this article, I was also running quite regularly and had completed several races. I remember thinking how good I felt about myself when I exercised, and I incorporated this way of thinking into my life as much as possible. Several years and two kids later, I ran the Marine Corps Marathon. I can tell you that there is no way in hell that I looked down at my legs that had just carried me 26.2 miles and thought, “if only they weren’t so chunky I would look good.” Are you kidding me? At that moment I was the sexiest woman alive. No doubt about it.
Why don’t we women look at what our bodies do for us? Why don’t we see pregnancy scars as beautiful and be happy that we can play tag with our children, walk the breast cancer 2-day or go for a nice bike ride along the beach? We need to strive to accomplish healthy goals in order to improve our body image instead of trying crash diets that will only put us into another emotional roller coaster. We have amazing bodies! We need pay attention to what we can achieve with them and stop twisting uncomfortably in front of the mirror, struggling to see our backsides.
In an effort to embrace my body for all that it is, I recently worked with my good friend Shanelle to take some photos as a gift for Chad for our anniversary. This was really hard for me. Really hard. Letting someone see me for all that I am and not hide behind my camouflaging clothing was another huge step forward for me. It was good to see that even though my thighs are bigger than some women’s, my belly button is scarred from being pregnant three times and my stomach will never be perfectly flat again, I AM STILL BEAUTIFUL. To make my point even more clearly, I decided not to alter my body when editing the photos. Some of you probably know that I do have the ability to give myself the breasts I’ve always dreamed of or to slim down those chunky thighs, but what kind of a gift is THAT?
“Here Chad. I took these photos of myself and changed my body to make it look the way I think you want it to look.”
Um, THAT’S not sexy!
Sexy is just having confidence and saying, “I took these photos for you of me. Just the way that I am. Just the way that you see me and love me.”
So anyway, I have a feeling that I might send a shock wave through my neighborhood. I can hear the rumors of Shawn posting sexy photos on the Internet already and my poor girls trying to defend me. And, what will my mom say? You know what, I don’t care. I honestly hope that one day my girls DO read this. With all of the other body image crap out there, our young girls could stand to see a whole bunch more *real* women raw and unedited on the internet. I think that many of us have forgotten what women are even supposed to look like. As for my mom, I think she will be happy to see how far I’ve come and maybe even proud of me. :)
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